Treasuring the Moments

They say that with time the hurting gets better. 

Sometimes though, I feel like I'm still in a phase of shock, still in a dream that isn't real, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. I know with time the pain is numbed, but it never really goes away, and no matter how much time goes by I'll always feel like a part of me is missing. 

The thing is, that's who I am now. Accepting that no matter what I wanted, God knew better and wrote the story His way. Maybe I won't ever know the reasons why He chose to take my Ella, but by accepting that His plan is perfect then He'll be glorified through her death.

So many times we get carried away in the waves of life and we forget that there's anything but our daily routine, the things we need to get done, and it isn't till our world comes to a crashing stop that we realize how silly all those things were. Those things we thought were important weren't actually that important, and the things we took for granted were the things we should have been treasuring. Why is it that we are so blinded to see the things that we should be thanking God for every second we take a breath? How pitiful we are to only scrape the top of life and think that its too rough. If only we truly understood that life is but a breath and can be gone before we've had a second chance. 

There's so many times that I wish that I could redo those nine months. The months I had with Ella. I should have treasured those moments more than I did, because all I have now are the memories.
Sometimes its hard to think of the little things, but don't take life for granted. We don't know what hour will be our last, so treasure every moment....even the moments when the kids don't want to pick up, or go to bed on time, or the days everything just seems to be going wrong. Every time we wake up God has given us another day to treasure, another day to make memories in, and another day to be thankful for.

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. Phil. 2:13

I wrote down that verse just two days before we found out that Ella was gone. What a reminder that, even with losing our little Ella, God knows our future and is still at work in our lives, and even in the unknown His plan is perfect.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. 1 Cor. 13:12

***At present our sight of things is one through a mirror which throws them into bewildering confusion, but there will be a time when we shall see them face to face. At present my knowledge is one yielding but partial glimpses, but there will be a time when I shall know completely, even as God, from the first, completely knew me. ***1 Cor. 13:12 ~ A New Testament Translation by Heinz W. Cassirer

We don't always expect where life will take us, 

but God always gives us the strength to make it through each day,

and somehow we've made it through this week without our little girl.

Our little Ella Violet was stillborn on Wednesday, January 9th at 12:40AM. She was perfect and beautiful, and such a big girl weighing in at 8lbs. 4oz. and 20in. long.

Last Monday everything seemed fine, but Tuesday morning we were unable to find a heartbeat. We rushed to the hospital only to have it confirmed that she was gone. It turned out that the cord had gotten wrapped around her neck twice. Those two days were like a horrible dream, and though we're making it through each day, sometimes it feels like it's still a dream.

I don't know when or if I'll blog anymore. Writing has been hard for me, but although I've had trouble writing, Jacob has been able to express himself so well and has written such a beautiful poem for our little Ella Violet.

A Flower for My King

  

As He walked amongst my flower garden

In the still of night

His eyes fell upon a blossom

Much to His delight

Though still not fully bloomed

Her time was very near

This precious little Violet 

To everyone so dear

The Lord chose to pick this blossom 

For His very own

To bring home to His kingdom

And display before His throne

At the coming of the morning

We arose to meet the day

Joyfully anticipating

The blooming of our babe

Completely unprepared were we

On that January eighth

For where once was joy and comfort

Was suddenly our grief 

Nine long months we had been waiting 

Dreaming of our first embrace

But when finally that time was come

Light was gone from her beautiful face

Beyond repair of true loves kiss

Hopes, dreams wishes shattering

Reality there hit me

A flower for my King

Our garden isn't empty

My other flowers remain

I now look upon my Rose and Jasmine

With a new appreciation

They daily bring us joy

Though not wholly complete

For they too longed for Ella Violet

And wish for her to meet

One day in eternity

Perhaps not too very long

I too shall go to glory

At the beckoning of angel songs

Through pearly gates of splendor

Past mansions, down streets of gold

Again I'll see my Ella Violet 

Sitting beside my Jesus' throne

I'll cast myself before Him

At my Savior's feet

I'll pray that by His grace someday

My bouquet will be complete     

   

 written by 

Jacob on January 10, 2013

 

A Little Catching Up

I know I've been neglecting my blogging, but I'll try to do a little catching up.

 No baby yet, but hopefully soon because I keep feeling more and more uncomfortable. Sleep is definitely not enjoyable anymore...I feel like I spend more time trying to get comfortable, just to have to get out of bed to use the bathroom and then have to start all over with trying to get comfortable. So, yes, I'm hoping little Miss Ella comes soon, but I know it could easily still be another week before she decides to come....good time to work on patience, although it's not working so well! :)
My midwife was out on Wednesday and everything looked good, Ella had even moved into a better position so we were all happy about that. 
Still having lots of false contractions, so I'm hoping it makes things easier when the real thing happens, but we'll see.
I'm also measuring at 37cm, so we'll see if I make it any bigger since usually I only make it to 37cm.

I know I didn't do any holiday updating, but I got sick the weekend before Christmas with a pretty bad cold and was sick all the way through New Years.....yeah, it was pretty sad, especially since we missed out on a bunch of family stuff. We were still able to do some celebrating here at home and it even snowed right after Christmas!

What it looked like out our door!

 The girls really wanted to play in it, but because they were still getting over the cold we had to stay inside....that was disappointing, but hopefully we get another good snow before the end of winter so we can enjoy some sledding! :)
I also tried to get some pictures of the girls in their "Christmas outfits"....

 ....but I think we'll need to give it another try. I think the last picture is cute, but I have no idea why Bethany thought it was necessary to do a leg lift....typical Bethany though! :) She either tries to hard to smile, and it comes out looking fake, or she's being silly. :)

Well, I hope soon I'll be able to write that Ella is here, but until then I'll try to keep up with the little tidbits that are happening around here. :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'm baking up some Pecan Balls and making Christmas White Trash (I have no idea why it's called that, but it's good!). Now I'm feeling like it's really Christmas time! :)

http://www.beyondkimchee.com/pecan-balls/

This is my first time making pecan balls, but I was trying to keep my baking to a minimal this year and these were the one thing Jacob requested. They taste really good, although since this is my first time eating one I guess I'll have to wait and see what Jacob thinks about them to be able to give a good opinion on how they stand up to other recipes! The reason why I've never had one is probably because there's usually multiple chocolate desserts at Christmas time, and yes, I normally go the chocolate route. :) I'll definitely be making these again though, because even without chocolate these are yummy, and they're not too sweet like a lot of chocolate stuff so it's nice for a change. 

As for the Christmas White Trash...

http://www.cookingwithk.net/2010/12/christmas-white-trash.html

I made it a couple years ago and it was very good, but also very addicting! So, beware if you make it cause you might not be able to stop eating it! :) Plus, it's extremely easy to mix up, and is great for giving as gifts.

**********

 So, I know this is kind of a Christmas post, but I figured I should squeeze in a pregnancy update since I'll probably be taking a blogging break for a bit.

I thought Friday night I was going to have to call up the midwife since I was having a lot of contractions (that were actually pretty painful), but they never got regular so I waited it out and they finally went away. I did do a lot of walking that day and hadn't drank my normal amount of water so that could have triggered it, but I'm just hoping it actually did some work on prepping my body for the real thing....cause any dilating that can get done before going into labor would be awesome!

I feel like I've had more false contraction with this pregnancy than I remember with the girls, so I hope that's a good thing. Of course, I couldn't help getting a little excited that maybe Ella would come sooner rather than later, but I know it's wishful thinking. :)

I saw my midwife today, and everything was looking good. Ella had switched sides, but is still facing sideways instead of backwards, but at least she still has room to move so I'll keep trying to get her to turn the right way. I'm measuring at 36 cm, so I'm still behind, but at least she's growing. I was also thrilled to have not gained any weight they week, but I'll probably make up for it by next week....it's crazy how that works!

I'm also faithfully taking my Gentle Birth/5 Week Formula three times a day now.

This is definitely nasty stuff, but it's only 1/4 tsp three times a day, so I take it and literally gulp down orange juice as fast as I can to try and not taste it. Orange juice doesn't totally take away the taste, but it's definitely better than water or milk! I'm trying to follow the directions this time because with Bethany I never took it more than twice a day, but after an extremely easy labor I couldn't help but wonder how it might have been even easier if I had taken the whole dose the entire time! I'm looking forward to seeing if I have similar results with this labor...I know the midwife I used with Bethany (that recommended I use it) said that she's had first time mom's taking this that couldn't believe that labor was that easy, and after my labor with Bethany I can totally believe it because it was amazingly different and easier than my labor with Abigail! I mean really, I couldn't complain with finding out I was 10cm after I had been climbing stairs two at a time, laughing and talking, and then decided I was ready to just go to bed because I thought nothing was happening! I would definitely love to have a repeat of that. :) We'll see though...every labor is different, but I think this stuff really does help a lot!

Well, I should get back to the rest of my baking. :)

I hope everyone has a very 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sugar Cookie Day

When I was growing up we would make sugar cookies every year, and I always really liked coming up with fun ways to ice and decorate them. I've tried to keep up the tradition since getting married, but it doesn't always work with little kids. I thought about not making any this year, but obviously, I went ahead and made some anyway. :) I figured this year the girls might actually enjoy getting to help ice and decorate them, which they did!

Abigail's cookies.

Abigail did really well and took her time trying to carefully decorate each of her cookies, so I see a good decorating buddy in the future. :)
As for Bethany....

 she did ok icing her cookies, but she gobbled them down as fast as she iced them! I guess I can't really blame her because they are some of the best cookies ever. :)
Of course, both girls decided that licking the knife every few seconds was essential to icing cookies, so.....it might be awhile before their cookies are approved for consumption by others! :)

Even though I didn't make a lot of cookies, it seems like a lot when you're icing them by yourself. Plus, once the girls got done icing their cookies they got kind of wild....probably had something to do with the amount of cookies and icing they ate!

As you can see I kept them all pretty simple and didn't do any fancy stuff on them, but they taste good so that's what matters. :)

And, if making cookies wasn't enough I made a 7-layer salad and some chocolate-caramel brownies for a get-together tomorrow.

Yum!

 So, yes, by the time I had finished all that and cleaned up the kitchen my back and feet were hurting pretty bad. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. :)

Well, I hope you all have a good weekend! I have another prenatal visit on Monday....yay! :)

What I Got Today...

Nursing cover.

Yes, I know a lot of you might be wondering why I'm just now getting one since I've had two kids before. What can I say...I'm behind on the times, lol! I've always just used a blanket tossed over my shoulder, but for this baby I decided it was finally time to have a nursing cover. I'm pretty excited about it too...I mean really, the color is chocolate mint! ;)

I like chocolate colored things (and yes, I do love chocolate, but that's beside the point!), so when I saw this one with the mint green color I figured it would be perfect. Plus, if we ever have a boy I didn't want to be stuck with one too girly looking. :)
I got it from Amazon, and unfortunately they are a little pricey, but I definitely think it'll be worth it and it should last for a long time.
It also has pockets on the inside....

which I didn't realize when I ordered it, but that will be handy for putting a pacifier or nursing pads in while feeding the baby. Of course, I'll have to let you all know how I like it once I get to use it...which will hopefully be in a few weeks, but for now I'm just excited to have something that'll be much cuter than a blanket! :)

Now, I'm just waiting on my Gentle Birth to get here...hopefully it comes tomorrow because I need to start taking it! I'll tell you all about it when I get it though. :)

Six Years!

Sunday was our six year wedding anniversary.....
it doesn't feel like it's been that long!

Being married to Jacob has been the best thing about my life.
He makes me laugh all the time...even when he's not trying, and we have so many fun memories that still make us laugh!
We leave little notes...

Pretty sneaky (#5 &6), but I got him back! :)

 in random places to surprise the other person....sneaking it onto lists is a pretty fun way to do it. :)
I wrote, "I love you the Most" in the shower one time to surprise him (which it did!), but what was suppose to be a wipe off crayon wasn't so he got to look at it for a long time! Of course, I hid the crayon so he wouldn't find it. :)
And since this is my blog I get to write it all the time for whenever he reads it!

I love you the MOST, Jacob!

I love being married to you, and you are the best friend I could ever have!