Sunday, April 21, 2013


Spring is here. 

April is sailing by so fast, and Ella's been gone for a little over three months already. I don't mean to sound depressing, because I am glad Spring is here, but it's sad that time is going by so quickly. I suppose wanting to hold back time isn't good either since time is what helps us heal, but still....

The other day I was able to get some pictures of some of the Spring flowers that have managed to come up even with the back and forth between warm and cold weather. Hopefully soon I'll be able to plant some flowers on Ella's grave.

Jacob took this after we had a little graveside service for Ella back in January.....
 My mom had the idea of doing the wooden letters wrapped in fabric, and a couple of my sisters spent a couple hours working on was really sweet of them to surprise me with it, and I love it. 
I love you guys so much!

In the baskets are African Violets that we all got to take home...mine sit on our fireplace so they stay warm, but still get, I can see them every morning when I wake up.
We didn't get any pictures of them, but we also had some yellow roses. I know yellow isn't usually a color that people use for funerals, but one of the meanings of the name Ella is: "Torch or bright light," and I thought yellow would be a good symbol of the bright light she was in those nine months that I carried her.
So, now I'm rather partial to yellow and purple flowers, of course I've always loved flowers and I've wanted to have my own rose/flower garden for awhile now, but someday there will be an area in my flower garden with some of these roses....
Violet Mist
'Violet Mist' miniature rose

miniature roses
'Vi's Violet' miniature rose
'Behold' miniature rose
'Sun Sprinkles' miniature rose
I don't know that I'll be blogging all the time, but I do kind of miss it....just need to find a balance. I think about Ella all the time, so a lot of the time I want to write about her and how things are going as life is moving on without her, but at the same time I don't want everyone thinking that's all I'll ever write about. So, I guess I'll write and see how it goes. :)
Even in the wild flowers there's beauty.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Treasuring the Moments

They say that with time the hurting gets better. 

Sometimes though, I feel like I'm still in a phase of shock, still in a dream that isn't real, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. I know with time the pain is numbed, but it never really goes away, and no matter how much time goes by I'll always feel like a part of me is missing. 

The thing is, that's who I am now. Accepting that no matter what I wanted, God knew better and wrote the story His way. Maybe I won't ever know the reasons why He chose to take my Ella, but by accepting that His plan is perfect then He'll be glorified through her death.

So many times we get carried away in the waves of life and we forget that there's anything but our daily routine, the things we need to get done, and it isn't till our world comes to a crashing stop that we realize how silly all those things were. Those things we thought were important weren't actually that important, and the things we took for granted were the things we should have been treasuring. Why is it that we are so blinded to see the things that we should be thanking God for every second we take a breath? How pitiful we are to only scrape the top of life and think that its too rough. If only we truly understood that life is but a breath and can be gone before we've had a second chance. 

There's so many times that I wish that I could redo those nine months. The months I had with Ella. I should have treasured those moments more than I did, because all I have now are the memories.
Sometimes its hard to think of the little things, but don't take life for granted. We don't know what hour will be our last, so treasure every moment....even the moments when the kids don't want to pick up, or go to bed on time, or the days everything just seems to be going wrong. Every time we wake up God has given us another day to treasure, another day to make memories in, and another day to be thankful for.

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. Phil. 2:13

I wrote down that verse just two days before we found out that Ella was gone. What a reminder that, even with losing our little Ella, God knows our future and is still at work in our lives, and even in the unknown His plan is perfect.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. 1 Cor. 13:12

***At present our sight of things is one through a mirror which throws them into bewildering confusion, but there will be a time when we shall see them face to face. At present my knowledge is one yielding but partial glimpses, but there will be a time when I shall know completely, even as God, from the first, completely knew me. ***1 Cor. 13:12 ~ A New Testament Translation by Heinz W. Cassirer

Thursday, January 17, 2013

We don't always expect where life will take us, 
but God always gives us the strength to make it through each day,
and somehow we've made it through this week without our little girl.

Our little Ella Violet was stillborn on Wednesday, January 9th at 12:40AM. She was perfect and beautiful, and such a big girl weighing in at 8lbs. 4oz. and 20in. long.

Last Monday everything seemed fine, but Tuesday morning we were unable to find a heartbeat. We rushed to the hospital only to have it confirmed that she was gone. It turned out that the cord had gotten wrapped around her neck twice. Those two days were like a horrible dream, and though we're making it through each day, sometimes it feels like it's still a dream.

I don't know when or if I'll blog anymore. Writing has been hard for me, but although I've had trouble writing, Jacob has been able to express himself so well and has written such a beautiful poem for our little Ella Violet.

A Flower for My King
As He walked amongst my flower garden
In the still of night
His eyes fell upon a blossom
Much to His delight

Though still not fully bloomed
Her time was very near
This precious little Violet 
To everyone so dear

The Lord chose to pick this blossom 
For His very own
To bring home to His kingdom
And display before His throne

At the coming of the morning
We arose to meet the day
Joyfully anticipating
The blooming of our babe

Completely unprepared were we
On that January eighth
For where once was joy and comfort
Was suddenly our grief 

Nine long months we had been waiting 
Dreaming of our first embrace
But when finally that time was come
Light was gone from her beautiful face

Beyond repair of true loves kiss
Hopes, dreams wishes shattering
Reality there hit me
A flower for my King

Our garden isn't empty
My other flowers remain
I now look upon my Rose and Jasmine
With a new appreciation

They daily bring us joy
Though not wholly complete
For they too longed for Ella Violet
And wish for her to meet

One day in eternity
Perhaps not too very long
I too shall go to glory
At the beckoning of angel songs

Through pearly gates of splendor
Past mansions, down streets of gold
Again I'll see my Ella Viole
Sitting beside my Jesus' throne

I'll cast myself before Him
At my Savior's feet
I'll pray that by His grace someday
My bouquet will be complete     
 written by 
Jacob on January 10, 2013

Monday, January 7, 2013

A Little Catching Up

I know I've been neglecting my blogging, but I'll try to do a little catching up.

 No baby yet, but hopefully soon because I keep feeling more and more uncomfortable. Sleep is definitely not enjoyable anymore...I feel like I spend more time trying to get comfortable, just to have to get out of bed to use the bathroom and then have to start all over with trying to get comfortable. So, yes, I'm hoping little Miss Ella comes soon, but I know it could easily still be another week before she decides to come....good time to work on patience, although it's not working so well! :)
My midwife was out on Wednesday and everything looked good, Ella had even moved into a better position so we were all happy about that. 
Still having lots of false contractions, so I'm hoping it makes things easier when the real thing happens, but we'll see.
I'm also measuring at 37cm, so we'll see if I make it any bigger since usually I only make it to 37cm.

I know I didn't do any holiday updating, but I got sick the weekend before Christmas with a pretty bad cold and was sick all the way through New Years.....yeah, it was pretty sad, especially since we missed out on a bunch of family stuff. We were still able to do some celebrating here at home and it even snowed right after Christmas!

What it looked like out our door!
 The girls really wanted to play in it, but because they were still getting over the cold we had to stay inside....that was disappointing, but hopefully we get another good snow before the end of winter so we can enjoy some sledding! :)
I also tried to get some pictures of the girls in their "Christmas outfits"....

 ....but I think we'll need to give it another try. I think the last picture is cute, but I have no idea why Bethany thought it was necessary to do a leg lift....typical Bethany though! :) She either tries to hard to smile, and it comes out looking fake, or she's being silly. :)

Well, I hope soon I'll be able to write that Ella is here, but until then I'll try to keep up with the little tidbits that are happening around here. :)