Flowers...

Spring is here. 

April is sailing by so fast, and Ella's been gone for a little over three months already. I don't mean to sound depressing, because I am glad Spring is here, but it's sad that time is going by so quickly. I suppose wanting to hold back time isn't good either since time is what helps us heal, but still....

The other day I was able to get some pictures of some of the Spring flowers that have managed to come up even with the back and forth between warm and cold weather. Hopefully soon I'll be able to plant some flowers on Ella's grave.

Jacob took this after we had a little graveside service for Ella back in January.....

 My mom had the idea of doing the wooden letters wrapped in fabric, and a couple of my sisters spent a couple hours working on them....it was really sweet of them to surprise me with it, and I love it. 
I love you guys so much!

In the baskets are African Violets that we all got to take home...mine sit on our fireplace so they stay warm, but still get sunlight....plus, I can see them every morning when I wake up.
We didn't get any pictures of them, but we also had some yellow roses. I know yellow isn't usually a color that people use for funerals, but one of the meanings of the name Ella is: "Torch or bright light," and I thought yellow would be a good symbol of the bright light she was in those nine months that I carried her.
So, now I'm rather partial to yellow and purple flowers, of course I've always loved flowers and I've wanted to have my own rose/flower garden for awhile now, but someday there will be an area in my flower garden with some of these roses....

'Violet Mist' miniature rose

'Vi's Violet' miniature rose

'Behold' miniature rose

'Sun Sprinkles' miniature rose

I don't know that I'll be blogging all the time, but I do kind of miss it....just need to find a balance. I think about Ella all the time, so a lot of the time I want to write about her and how things are going as life is moving on without her, but at the same time I don't want everyone thinking that's all I'll ever write about. So, I guess I'll write and see how it goes. :)

Even in the wild flowers there's beauty.

Treasuring the Moments

They say that with time the hurting gets better. 

Sometimes though, I feel like I'm still in a phase of shock, still in a dream that isn't real, and I can't help but wonder if I'll ever feel normal again. I know with time the pain is numbed, but it never really goes away, and no matter how much time goes by I'll always feel like a part of me is missing. 

The thing is, that's who I am now. Accepting that no matter what I wanted, God knew better and wrote the story His way. Maybe I won't ever know the reasons why He chose to take my Ella, but by accepting that His plan is perfect then He'll be glorified through her death.

So many times we get carried away in the waves of life and we forget that there's anything but our daily routine, the things we need to get done, and it isn't till our world comes to a crashing stop that we realize how silly all those things were. Those things we thought were important weren't actually that important, and the things we took for granted were the things we should have been treasuring. Why is it that we are so blinded to see the things that we should be thanking God for every second we take a breath? How pitiful we are to only scrape the top of life and think that its too rough. If only we truly understood that life is but a breath and can be gone before we've had a second chance. 

There's so many times that I wish that I could redo those nine months. The months I had with Ella. I should have treasured those moments more than I did, because all I have now are the memories.
Sometimes its hard to think of the little things, but don't take life for granted. We don't know what hour will be our last, so treasure every moment....even the moments when the kids don't want to pick up, or go to bed on time, or the days everything just seems to be going wrong. Every time we wake up God has given us another day to treasure, another day to make memories in, and another day to be thankful for.

For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure. Phil. 2:13

I wrote down that verse just two days before we found out that Ella was gone. What a reminder that, even with losing our little Ella, God knows our future and is still at work in our lives, and even in the unknown His plan is perfect.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. 1 Cor. 13:12

***At present our sight of things is one through a mirror which throws them into bewildering confusion, but there will be a time when we shall see them face to face. At present my knowledge is one yielding but partial glimpses, but there will be a time when I shall know completely, even as God, from the first, completely knew me. ***1 Cor. 13:12 ~ A New Testament Translation by Heinz W. Cassirer

We don't always expect where life will take us, 

but God always gives us the strength to make it through each day,

and somehow we've made it through this week without our little girl.

Our little Ella Violet was stillborn on Wednesday, January 9th at 12:40AM. She was perfect and beautiful, and such a big girl weighing in at 8lbs. 4oz. and 20in. long.

Last Monday everything seemed fine, but Tuesday morning we were unable to find a heartbeat. We rushed to the hospital only to have it confirmed that she was gone. It turned out that the cord had gotten wrapped around her neck twice. Those two days were like a horrible dream, and though we're making it through each day, sometimes it feels like it's still a dream.

I don't know when or if I'll blog anymore. Writing has been hard for me, but although I've had trouble writing, Jacob has been able to express himself so well and has written such a beautiful poem for our little Ella Violet.

A Flower for My King

  

As He walked amongst my flower garden

In the still of night

His eyes fell upon a blossom

Much to His delight

Though still not fully bloomed

Her time was very near

This precious little Violet 

To everyone so dear

The Lord chose to pick this blossom 

For His very own

To bring home to His kingdom

And display before His throne

At the coming of the morning

We arose to meet the day

Joyfully anticipating

The blooming of our babe

Completely unprepared were we

On that January eighth

For where once was joy and comfort

Was suddenly our grief 

Nine long months we had been waiting 

Dreaming of our first embrace

But when finally that time was come

Light was gone from her beautiful face

Beyond repair of true loves kiss

Hopes, dreams wishes shattering

Reality there hit me

A flower for my King

Our garden isn't empty

My other flowers remain

I now look upon my Rose and Jasmine

With a new appreciation

They daily bring us joy

Though not wholly complete

For they too longed for Ella Violet

And wish for her to meet

One day in eternity

Perhaps not too very long

I too shall go to glory

At the beckoning of angel songs

Through pearly gates of splendor

Past mansions, down streets of gold

Again I'll see my Ella Violet 

Sitting beside my Jesus' throne

I'll cast myself before Him

At my Savior's feet

I'll pray that by His grace someday

My bouquet will be complete     

   

 written by 

Jacob on January 10, 2013

 

A Little Catching Up

I know I've been neglecting my blogging, but I'll try to do a little catching up.

 No baby yet, but hopefully soon because I keep feeling more and more uncomfortable. Sleep is definitely not enjoyable anymore...I feel like I spend more time trying to get comfortable, just to have to get out of bed to use the bathroom and then have to start all over with trying to get comfortable. So, yes, I'm hoping little Miss Ella comes soon, but I know it could easily still be another week before she decides to come....good time to work on patience, although it's not working so well! :)
My midwife was out on Wednesday and everything looked good, Ella had even moved into a better position so we were all happy about that. 
Still having lots of false contractions, so I'm hoping it makes things easier when the real thing happens, but we'll see.
I'm also measuring at 37cm, so we'll see if I make it any bigger since usually I only make it to 37cm.

I know I didn't do any holiday updating, but I got sick the weekend before Christmas with a pretty bad cold and was sick all the way through New Years.....yeah, it was pretty sad, especially since we missed out on a bunch of family stuff. We were still able to do some celebrating here at home and it even snowed right after Christmas!

What it looked like out our door!

 The girls really wanted to play in it, but because they were still getting over the cold we had to stay inside....that was disappointing, but hopefully we get another good snow before the end of winter so we can enjoy some sledding! :)
I also tried to get some pictures of the girls in their "Christmas outfits"....

 ....but I think we'll need to give it another try. I think the last picture is cute, but I have no idea why Bethany thought it was necessary to do a leg lift....typical Bethany though! :) She either tries to hard to smile, and it comes out looking fake, or she's being silly. :)

Well, I hope soon I'll be able to write that Ella is here, but until then I'll try to keep up with the little tidbits that are happening around here. :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'm baking up some Pecan Balls and making Christmas White Trash (I have no idea why it's called that, but it's good!). Now I'm feeling like it's really Christmas time! :)

http://www.beyondkimchee.com/pecan-balls/

This is my first time making pecan balls, but I was trying to keep my baking to a minimal this year and these were the one thing Jacob requested. They taste really good, although since this is my first time eating one I guess I'll have to wait and see what Jacob thinks about them to be able to give a good opinion on how they stand up to other recipes! The reason why I've never had one is probably because there's usually multiple chocolate desserts at Christmas time, and yes, I normally go the chocolate route. :) I'll definitely be making these again though, because even without chocolate these are yummy, and they're not too sweet like a lot of chocolate stuff so it's nice for a change. 

As for the Christmas White Trash...

http://www.cookingwithk.net/2010/12/christmas-white-trash.html

I made it a couple years ago and it was very good, but also very addicting! So, beware if you make it cause you might not be able to stop eating it! :) Plus, it's extremely easy to mix up, and is great for giving as gifts.

**********

 So, I know this is kind of a Christmas post, but I figured I should squeeze in a pregnancy update since I'll probably be taking a blogging break for a bit.

I thought Friday night I was going to have to call up the midwife since I was having a lot of contractions (that were actually pretty painful), but they never got regular so I waited it out and they finally went away. I did do a lot of walking that day and hadn't drank my normal amount of water so that could have triggered it, but I'm just hoping it actually did some work on prepping my body for the real thing....cause any dilating that can get done before going into labor would be awesome!

I feel like I've had more false contraction with this pregnancy than I remember with the girls, so I hope that's a good thing. Of course, I couldn't help getting a little excited that maybe Ella would come sooner rather than later, but I know it's wishful thinking. :)

I saw my midwife today, and everything was looking good. Ella had switched sides, but is still facing sideways instead of backwards, but at least she still has room to move so I'll keep trying to get her to turn the right way. I'm measuring at 36 cm, so I'm still behind, but at least she's growing. I was also thrilled to have not gained any weight they week, but I'll probably make up for it by next week....it's crazy how that works!

I'm also faithfully taking my Gentle Birth/5 Week Formula three times a day now.

This is definitely nasty stuff, but it's only 1/4 tsp three times a day, so I take it and literally gulp down orange juice as fast as I can to try and not taste it. Orange juice doesn't totally take away the taste, but it's definitely better than water or milk! I'm trying to follow the directions this time because with Bethany I never took it more than twice a day, but after an extremely easy labor I couldn't help but wonder how it might have been even easier if I had taken the whole dose the entire time! I'm looking forward to seeing if I have similar results with this labor...I know the midwife I used with Bethany (that recommended I use it) said that she's had first time mom's taking this that couldn't believe that labor was that easy, and after my labor with Bethany I can totally believe it because it was amazingly different and easier than my labor with Abigail! I mean really, I couldn't complain with finding out I was 10cm after I had been climbing stairs two at a time, laughing and talking, and then decided I was ready to just go to bed because I thought nothing was happening! I would definitely love to have a repeat of that. :) We'll see though...every labor is different, but I think this stuff really does help a lot!

Well, I should get back to the rest of my baking. :)

I hope everyone has a very 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sugar Cookie Day

When I was growing up we would make sugar cookies every year, and I always really liked coming up with fun ways to ice and decorate them. I've tried to keep up the tradition since getting married, but it doesn't always work with little kids. I thought about not making any this year, but obviously, I went ahead and made some anyway. :) I figured this year the girls might actually enjoy getting to help ice and decorate them, which they did!

Abigail's cookies.

Abigail did really well and took her time trying to carefully decorate each of her cookies, so I see a good decorating buddy in the future. :)
As for Bethany....

 she did ok icing her cookies, but she gobbled them down as fast as she iced them! I guess I can't really blame her because they are some of the best cookies ever. :)
Of course, both girls decided that licking the knife every few seconds was essential to icing cookies, so.....it might be awhile before their cookies are approved for consumption by others! :)

Even though I didn't make a lot of cookies, it seems like a lot when you're icing them by yourself. Plus, once the girls got done icing their cookies they got kind of wild....probably had something to do with the amount of cookies and icing they ate!

As you can see I kept them all pretty simple and didn't do any fancy stuff on them, but they taste good so that's what matters. :)

And, if making cookies wasn't enough I made a 7-layer salad and some chocolate-caramel brownies for a get-together tomorrow.

Yum!

 So, yes, by the time I had finished all that and cleaned up the kitchen my back and feet were hurting pretty bad. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. :)

Well, I hope you all have a good weekend! I have another prenatal visit on Monday....yay! :)

What I Got Today...

Nursing cover.

Yes, I know a lot of you might be wondering why I'm just now getting one since I've had two kids before. What can I say...I'm behind on the times, lol! I've always just used a blanket tossed over my shoulder, but for this baby I decided it was finally time to have a nursing cover. I'm pretty excited about it too...I mean really, the color is chocolate mint! ;)

I like chocolate colored things (and yes, I do love chocolate, but that's beside the point!), so when I saw this one with the mint green color I figured it would be perfect. Plus, if we ever have a boy I didn't want to be stuck with one too girly looking. :)
I got it from Amazon, and unfortunately they are a little pricey, but I definitely think it'll be worth it and it should last for a long time.
It also has pockets on the inside....

which I didn't realize when I ordered it, but that will be handy for putting a pacifier or nursing pads in while feeding the baby. Of course, I'll have to let you all know how I like it once I get to use it...which will hopefully be in a few weeks, but for now I'm just excited to have something that'll be much cuter than a blanket! :)

Now, I'm just waiting on my Gentle Birth to get here...hopefully it comes tomorrow because I need to start taking it! I'll tell you all about it when I get it though. :)

Six Years!

Sunday was our six year wedding anniversary.....
it doesn't feel like it's been that long!

Being married to Jacob has been the best thing about my life.
He makes me laugh all the time...even when he's not trying, and we have so many fun memories that still make us laugh!
We leave little notes...

Pretty sneaky (#5 &6), but I got him back! :)

 in random places to surprise the other person....sneaking it onto lists is a pretty fun way to do it. :)
I wrote, "I love you the Most" in the shower one time to surprise him (which it did!), but what was suppose to be a wipe off crayon wasn't so he got to look at it for a long time! Of course, I hid the crayon so he wouldn't find it. :)
And since this is my blog I get to write it all the time for whenever he reads it!

I love you the MOST, Jacob!

I love being married to you, and you are the best friend I could ever have!

So...

I started off the day not very motivated, but I figured I should wash the breakfast dishes and then sit down for awhile.
Well, I washed the dishes and then for some reason decided the top (and outsided) of the fridge needed to be cleaned off. At some point, while I was doing that, I figured I might as well clean out the inside of the fridge too. By then I was on a roll so I went ahead and cleaned out the cabinet next to the fridge, and then moved on to our big cabinet (you can't see it in the picture, but its to the right of the freezer). 
So, here's the finished look. :)

 I should have taken a picture of the inside of the fridge, but I haven't been to the store in a week, so it's looking pretty bare....especially once I went through and threw a bunch of stuff away. Can I just say, "I love throwing things away," I mean, it really clears up so much space and makes things look so much cleaner!

Of course, while I was cleaning that section of the kitchen, I was also washing the sheets and blankets from the girls beds since that hadn't been done in awhile. It looks much better...

I just wish it could stay looking like that.....but, that's highly unlikely. :) What you can't see from this picture, is that all over one side of the mirror is covered in princess stickers....yep, and I have no idea how to get them to come all the way off. Lovely.

But, I didn't stop there, I asked Jacob to pull out all the baby clothes. I thought about waiting until tomorrow to get started, but I went ahead and reorganized the box, washed a big load of all the newborn stuff, and got it folded and put away! :)

Yep, I'm pretty pleased with everything I got accomplished today, and even though my back isn't feeling the greatest, I'm glad I got so much done. Maybe tomorrow I'll take it easy....after I go to the store. :)

I hope you all had a good day!

Thanksgiving Break Fun!

I know I'm late posting some pictures from our Thanksgiving with my family, but I'm finally doing it....so no complaining! :) Of course, I didn't get a picture of the kitchen full of food (yes, I was filling my plate and my stomach as fast as I could!), but trust me it all looked and tasted amazing!

So now, just enjoy some pictures of the kids and some of the fun....

The cute and adorable Logan(my nephew)!

Paige & Eden(my niece & cousin) playing in the leaves.

Logan & "the real photographer" Hillary (my sister).

Kaden & Logan (my nephews).

There was even game-playing in the pantry! :)

Lots of playing with toys happened.

There was also a lot of dancing and being silly that was video taped, but they'll probably just be added to our family videos so as not to embarrass some people! :)

While we were all home, my mom and sisters were all able to go out for our "girls coffee time," which was as fun as usual...although, I'm sure we tend to be a distraction to other people with all of our laughing and talking, but they just don't know what they're missing out on! :)
We did have the exception of one boy tag-along, but he was a cutie so we didn't mind!

Logan!

He got tired of girl-talk though, so he ate cookies. :)

 I didn't get pictures of everyone while we were out, but I did get a couple of some of my sisters....of course, I have tons of crazy, silly pictures, but I'll refrain from posting them!

Hillary & Kayla

Hillary, Kayla, Janessa, & Adalie (4 of my 6 sisters!).

 It was definitely a fun little break, and it was awesome to all get to be home together...just a few more weeks and hopefully we can have a repeat! Hurray for Christmas/New Years break! 

Pregnancy Update

Well, I had another prenatal visit with my midwife and time seems to be going by faster now that I'm seeing her every two weeks. In two weeks we'll be down to once a week visits since we decided to do another two weeks this time....we're getting closer though! :)

Little Miss Ella is leaning towards being posterior, and boy was I feeling it last night when my back was killing me! I seriously felt like an old person when I would get out of bed to use the bathroom...ugh, not fun. Hopefully she turns herself around soon so it gives my back a break. I already deal with (what we think is) Costochondritis, which is an inflammation of the cartilage around my ribs, and it causes really horrible rib pain, so combining the fact that my ribs hurt no matter which side I lay on at night, and the back pain, makes for difficult sleeping.
Other than the sleeping situation, I've been feeling pretty good though so I shouldn't complain too much! :)

I'm measuring at 33cm, so I'm definitely measuring behind since I've only grown 2cm in the past month, but the midwife said that a lot of the time when the baby is posterior it can make you measure smaller too. I'm still guessing I'm around 35 weeks, but no matter what we're getting down to the finish line!

She's staying very active, and evening time is definitely her favorite time to do crazy acrobatic stuff, which can be very entertaining.....although, occasionally she'll surprise me with some power kicks which make me randomly jump. :)

As for staying busy this week, I'm planning on going through the baby stuff and washing it up, so that should take up some time :) Plus, at some point during this weeks, or next week, we'll probably start doing some Christmas decorating...I don't know who is more excited, the girls or me!

Thanksgiving Desserts

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving break! It went by way too fast, but it was definitely wonderful to get to spend time with family.

We spent Thanksgiving Day at my grandparent's house, and even though it was a smaller crowd than normal it still consisted of two big fried turkey breasts and one whole roasted turkey. We were actually able to convince my grandma that we didn't need a roast too since normally we have multiple turkeys, plus roast, and the occasional ham! So, yes, there was a lot of food to eat, but I stuck mainly to the turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, and corn....yum, that actually sounds really good right now too! :)

For dessert, we tried to keep it smaller too.

Pumpkin Pie...

http://www.verybestbaking.com/recipes/18470/libbys-famous-pumpkin-pie/detail.aspx

  Which I just use the recipe from the LIBBY'S Pumpkin can, but I made the crust gluten free (since my grandma can't have gluten) and it's such a good crust people don't even know it's gluten free!

And, Pecan Pie...

http://karosyrup.com/recipe_details.asp?id=485

 Again, I just use the recipe from the back of the Karo Syrup bottle and made the crust gluten free, and people loved it!

Then, because there are so many chocolate lovers in my family we had to make something with chocolate, so we give this Mississippi Mud Pie recipe a try....

http://bakemeblush.blogspot.com/2011/09/mississippi-mud-challenge.html?showComment=1315625768659#c7545815830188198170

 I thought it was amazing! It's very rich because you use darker chocolate, but it was sooo good. It's actually all gluten free except for the oreo crust, which if you can find gluten free chocolate cookies it would be completely gluten free.

We also whipped these little Rolo cookies up real quick just to have something a little more kid friendly.

http://www.sixsistersstuff.com/2011/07/rolo-cookies.html

I didn't try them...yes, I only had eyes for the Mud Pie....but they went pretty fast and the kids seemed to like them. I think they probably are best warm, but for being a 4 ingredient recipe they were definitely worth making.

 Needless to say we were all very full from our Thanksgiving meal, and I think Ella enjoyed the turkey dinner, so I might have to do a mini version soon! :)

I'll be posting pictures of some of our Thanksgiving activities soon!

***For any of you that might be interested in the gluten free pie crust I use, whether for yourself, family, or friend, here is the one that I use...

 

 You can buy it at a lot of Wal-Marts, most health food stores, and online. It's only about five dollars, so it's a good buy since it makes 4 pie crusts for 8-inch pie plates. It also tastes good and people won't even know it's gluten free!

It's Monday Everyone!

Only three more days until Thanksgiving! And only two days until we head down to spend the rest of the week with my family! :) This week will probably go by so fast, but it'll be so much fun to get to spend it with family.....and I'm going to try to remember to take lots of pictures...oh, and videos!
Yes, I'm definitely excited, if you couldn't tell. :) There's going to be lots of:
talking, 
laughing, 
staying-up-late, 
girls coffee time, 
Black Friday craziness (who cares if all we have is a Wal-Mart...we make it fun!),
random, silly videos,
and of course, lots of good food! :)

So, as I was looking back on pictures from previous Thanksgivings I came across this one...

This was taken 6 years ago...just a couple weeks before Jacob and I got married!

 That seems like such a long time ago, and I can't believe how young some of my siblings look...lol, well, I guess we were all 6 years younger! :)

Now for the more current picture of us all with the addition of grand-kids.

April 2012

 The family has definitely increased in numbers, although the girls still outnumber the boys, but it's starting to even out a little, and I Dad has enjoyed having more guys around. :)
I think Dad looks exactly the same, and Mom actually looks younger in this picture....I don't think most people would guess they've had 10 kids and 5 (with one on the way) grand-kids. :)

I am definitely blessed with an amazing family, and I love them all so much!

I hope everyone is having an amazing Monday-before-Thanksgiving!